Wednesday, 11 October 2017

The Post Where I'm Not So Chirpy



So, this post has been brewing for such a long, long time now. It's been written and deleted more times than I care to remember. Why? Because it is an incredibly difficult piece to write and publish. It's about friends and family and, well me and it's probably a bit of a brain dump.

Recently, it's been hard. Really, really hard. Most people don't know that. They don't know I've had a tough time, that I've been really, really unwell or that I've felt so isolated. They don't know because I haven't told them. If I told them how I was feeling, I'm pretty sure they'd rally around and be here for me and perhaps, just perhaps, I am cutting off my nose to spite my face here, but I don't want people to be there for me only in the difficult times. I want to see people when everything is going well. I want to go out, I want share a cuppa. I want to feel like I belong somewhere and I don't feel that way.


The truth is, I feel really hurt and let down because when I was in a position to be able to go out, no matter how many times I asked, no one came with me. I realise that sounds as though I am spitting my dummy out, but I do a job that is very, very isolating so having people around is really important. Having people who will go out for a night, on the rare occasion that I have a night off, is even more important. My friends know the job I do, and yet my phone is silent. My phone was silent all through the summer holidays and has remained so and I imagine will be forever silent after this.

I don't live near my family either and well, that is a whole other kettle of fish. I envy those of you who are able to go to their family if they are unwell, or a bit sad. I love that my girls and I have a really close relationship where we can laugh and tease each other, share hugs for no reason at all and just love each other so much. My girls know they can always talk to me and they know they are loved unconditionally. It's a relationship I have worked hard to build with them, and for them, because it's not one I have ever really experienced.

I know some of you have known me for many, many years and you know my family. You probably think I am the single most dreadful daughter in the entire history of the world because I visit so rarely, and perhaps I am; but did you know that throughout my childhood and into my adulthood, I have always been told that I was an accident. I wasn't wanted. My mother never wanted children and she let me know. I cannot recall a time in my life when I was not aware that I was not wanted.  Being told things like that, damage a child and they impact on the attachment that child builds with the parent. I wish I could change it, but I can't. The damage has been done over the course of four decades and whilst I may forgive it, even understand why it is, I can't change it.

It's rubbish and I really do envy the relationships my friends have with their mothers, but what I have learnt from it, is how not to parent my gorgeous girls. I listen to them, I rarely lose my temper, I don't need to, we tend to talk. When any of us does lose our temper, we always apologise. You will always hear the words 'I love you' spoken in this house and there are lots of hugs. I encourage the girls to be themselves and not worry about what others think. Mistakes, are opportunities to learn from; let's face it, if you never make a mistake, how are you ever going to learn anything. Only last night the three of us had an absolute ball just laughing at stupid stuff - well laughing at Miss. L doing her version of the Haka to High School Musicals, Humuhunukunukuapua'a (apologies if that is spelt incorrectly, but I'm not checking it, it made my eyes go funny just looking at it). I'm still not sure why she would be trying to do a New Zealand war dance to a Hawaiian song, but it was very amusing.

Anyway, bottom line is this. I have felt very lonely and very isolated for a while and it's kind of come to a head. I am lucky, although I've not blogged much recently, I do have an outlet and I can express myself. Others aren't so fortunate. I'm also a fighter and I tend to have a very positive outlook on life, I won't allow myself to be stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I look for solutions, even if it takes a while. Miss. D and I are joining a running club in January (the beginners course starts then) and I am desperate to get a bike and join a cycling club. New experiences and new friends.

However, what I'd really like to do, is reach out to other younger people who are feeling lonely. People often view loneliness as a problem affecting only the elderly, but it's not, it affects people of all ages, from all walks of life. I'll be honest, I'm not sure yet quite how I am going to achieve this, but what I would really welcome is suggestions from all you lovelies in the comments section. Perhaps together, we can come up with something.



Twin Mummy and Daddy

7 comments:

  1. *Coughs* *insert extra line* *Even Martyn a social hermit has made efforts* *coughs* ;) hahaha

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  2. Lisa, our histories are scarily similar and that's why I only have my girls, I wish we lived a lot closer together because none of this loneliness nonsense that we both seem to be prone to would be allowed to occur, plus my brilliant and most wonderful friend Harriet would join in with shenanigans because she's like that and I'd be lost without her. I'm just sending you tons of love, I wish I was in London for longer than 8 hours tomorrow. I'm pitching for something at the moment which might get me an overnight before the end of the year and if that happens, dinner missus, I can't promise drinks as I'm more allergic now than ever but sometimes it's weirdly fine!

    Anyway, I'm rambling but I love you xxx

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    1. Aw thanks Mandy. I really wish we lived close to one another. We'd have so much fun...I'm not great with alcohol either, but dinner would be fab. Maybe I should move to the North East :-)

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  3. Hi Lisa, I want to reach out and give you a big hug, you sound so down. Loneliness is a horrible feeling, sometimes we can be a in a room full of people and still feel lonely if that connection isn't there. You sound like you are doing yourself proud as a Mum and I'm sure you'll make new friends at the running club.

    xx

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    1. I'm feeling a lot better now, having got it all out, but I'm not one for wallowing, so get it out and work on changing things. It's one of those things where you have to do something to help yourself. Thankfully, I am stubborn enough to get out there and find ways of meeting new people, I know it's not that easy for everyone though.

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  4. Hey Lisa, I'm a Lisa and I have my dog Gatsby on my lap as I am typing. I am sorry you are lonely and I am glad you wrote about it! Take thoses steps, even baby steps to making it better! It will imporve if you want it too. And if you are ever in Philadelphia... #ThatFridayLinky hugs! xoxo

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