A Letter To My Girls

To My Wonderful Daughters,

You are both amazing, beautiful, intelligent and funny. I am so very, very proud of you. Every time I think I've worked you out, you do something else that surprises me; usually in a good way.

You are both growing up now, you no longer need me as much as you used to. You go out with your own friends and do things you want to do. You are discovering who you are and where you belong in this World. You're working hard at school and achieving so much more than I ever did, you clever things. Who would have thought I could produce two girls who are such good mathematicians! I struggled so much in that subject, but you both seem to find it easy. Did I mention, how very proud I am of you both.

You are kind girls. You think of others and you're not afraid to stand up for people you see being bullied. You're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Don't lose that. It will stand you in good stead. You will do good things that will help change lives with your kindness, compassion and dislike for injustice, but be prepared, it will also land you in hot water from time to time. Don't worry. If it is something you truly believe in and believe it is worth fighting for keep going. People will always get upset if you show them something isn't right. I will be proud of you.

Follow your heart and dream big. You can do whatever you want to do. Only you stand in your way. Never walk on anyone to get where you want to go though, and never be walked on (I know you won't, you're too strong and stubborn for that). Be kind always, and work hard. The people who take short cuts to get what they want, are the ones who won't appreciate what they have, and won't work to keep it. Never give up. I will be proud of you.

I cannot tell you how in awe of you I am. I know that life at home is not easy for either of you at the moment. When I was your ages, I could not have coped with all you are dealing with now. I have always been very open with you about my illness. You know that I live with depression, and you have seen me suffer with it over the years. This time, I know that I am much worse than I have ever been. I try not to cry in front of you, but I have failed so much, and you have seen me sobbing my heart out uncontrollably. I apologise, and you both tell me it's OK, you know it's not my fault, you know I am not well. It fills me with pride and it hurts me too that you have to be so strong and understanding. I am so proud of you.

Miss. L, thank you for the endless cups of tea you provide. Thank you for walking our Little Orange Doggy because I cannot (I secretly think he prefers walks with you). Thank you for helping me to collect the shopping, cook dinners and with jobs around the house. You are awesome!

Miss. D thank you for being a fabulous big sister, I know you are always looking out for your little sister, especially at the moment. Thank you for understanding how difficult anxiety makes it for me to go out and do 'normal' things. Thank you for speaking to your teacher about your concerns over parents evening. You are such a thoughtful awesome girl!

I know that I am not myself. I know that your normal happy, laid back, crazy, fun mum isn't around. I know I am just an empty shell of myself at the moment, and I cannot begin to understand how difficult it must be for you both. Please know, I am trying so hard. Every day I try, because I love you both so much. I know that you worry about me and I know that it is affecting you so much more than you will ever let on to me. Talk to your Dad, talk to your teachers and your friends. Please, do not keep how you feel locked inside.

Talk to each other. Remember that whatever life brings, you will always have your sister. You may not always like each other, but I know that you love one another very much, even when you won't admit it to me or your sister.

You are amazing girls. I love you so much and I am so very proud of you.

With all my love,

Mum xxx

Why I Love Twitter!

Before I entered the weird and wonderful world of blogging, I was a lover of Facebook. I liked it, it was easy to use, easy to connect with people and well, no character limitations on status updates. However, I have changed my mind.

For me, Twitter is the primary social media channel for blogging. With my personal Twitter account I found the character limitation a real bore, but with the blog account, no issue whatsoever, or perhaps I have just got used to it. Who knows? I haven't done a huge amount to grow my following on social media yet, but even so, I find Twitter much easier to grow than Facebook.

My main reason for loving Twitter so much though, is the fabulous sense of community. Unlike Facebook, people actually interact with one another regularly. OK, it's possible it's mainly us bloggers, holed up in our homes neglecting our blogs and having a good old natter instead. I put my hand up to that one. And yes, we are the ones who leave the room for a couple of minutes and come back to find the best part of 100 notifications. We clearly chat too much!

I'm not complaining though. Not at all, it's what I love, and if I'm honest, over the past few weeks it's what has kept me going. Having that sense of community. Knowing that there are people online at almost every hour of the day, has been a lifeline.

It's a place where I finally feel like I belong and people genuinely understand. OK it's possible they don't understand my crazy, sometimes random sense of humour, but they certainly understand the struggles I face with my mental health and the support I have received has been very much appreciated. They seem to understand the best way to deal with me is by using humour. No matter how low I may be feeling, after a couple of gif's I've forgotten about being sad. I've forgotten about feeling lonely and I'm chatting away to a bunch of crazy ladies (and the odd gent) as though we're all sat in the same room drinking tea and eating cake.

Sometimes, I think it's a real shame that we are scattered far and wide, but it may be a blessing; I know there are one or two bloggers whom, if we lived in close proximity, I for one would never get any work done and far too much cake would be consumed.

So, what then is the point of this slightly random and disjointed post? Well, it is essentially a great big thank you and a virtual hug to my fellow bloggers on Twitter. Thank you for being there, thank you for being crazy daisies, thank you for making me laugh and for laughing at me. You're all fabulous!

Moving Forward

I'm sat in front of this blank screen knowing I need to write something, but not knowing how to. Little Orange Dog has always been intended to be a creative outlet and a therapeutic tool for me, but I never wanted the therapy side of it to take over. That's not how it is at the moment though and honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to get it back on track anytime soon. Each time I genuinely feel I've turned a corner and am on a clear path, a huge wall looms up ahead. If you read my post My Week on Beta Blockers, you'll know that I have already sought help, and so I was hoping things would get better, but it is just relentless.

I beat myself up over it regularly because I know I have all the tools and skills to deal with this situation, and yet I keep getting knocked back. I think, perhaps, I mean it's ever so slightly possible, that I am being too hard on myself and expecting too much of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I don't have time not to be OK and I don't like not being OK. Quite frankly, it sucks and I just want to get out of it. Being kind to myself is not a natural thing at all. I am my harshest critic and I expect way more of myself than I do anyone else.