Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Everyone needs a best friend. It doesn't really matter who that friend is, just so long as they're kind, loyal, listen, make you laugh and you have each others backs, because that's what friends do. I am really lucky to have some amazing friends. People who have got me through the toughest of times, people who are always there for me and who I hope, I am always there for too. They are everything friends should be, even though I've never met many of them. They are my Tweeps. A community of friends on Twitter. Some are other bloggers, others are authors, others are just fabulous people who like to socialise with like-minded folk!

As 'real-life' friends go, I have few and that suits me just fine. Quality rather than quantity; and those I do have are the best of the best. Which given the way things are going at the moment is a flipping good thing. Yes, a true friend is worth their weight in gold and one or two of mine really have been absolute diamonds this past week.

Kenya, A Mountain to Climb - Book Review

As many of you who read this blog regularly will know, I suffer with mental illness. I have a diagnosis of depression and anxiety, which was first made almost ten years ago. Unlike some people, I know my diagnosis is a 'forever' condition. My father suffers and so does my youngest daughter. For some of us, there is an hereditary element. In some ways, I'd rather that, it makes it easier for me to manage. I'm able to identify my triggers and let those close to me know my triggers, enabling myself, and others, to rein me in when necessary and practise some self care. I'm lucky, to have a fabulous next door neighbour, an amazing fiance and two wonderful daughters, who tell me to take a break when they can see I'm taking on too much.

I also have some awesome friends on Twitter, people who got me through my darkest days and to the place I am now in; which is a place where I work my wee butt off to raise awareness of mental illness and try to help people living with a diagnosis, or caring for someone, to cope and seek help. Hence, when I saw that Rod Wood was looking for people to review his latest book, I jumped at the chance.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I've not posted for a very, very long time and there's a reason for that, if you want to know why, please do read on and I will reveal all. As it happens, I've not posted for that long, I am amazed I even remembered my password. Trust me the fact I did, is a huge surprise to me because I generally walk into a room forget why I'm there only to remember when I return to the lounge...repeat three times and eventually I get there.

Anyway, where have I been, what have I been doing and what does the future hold? All very good questions. So without further ado, lets get on. I'll try and keep it brief, but you may want to grab yourself a cuppa and settle in, just in case I ramble on for longer than I intended.

An Open Rant to the Powers That Be.

It's been a while since I last posted. People who know me well will have worked out that this is a good (or rather, bad) sign that my MH is not quite as it should be, and it's not. It hasn't been for a good while; since I was signed off, unfit for work, by my GP and had to apply for Universal Credits. Wow! That's a whole new world I never expected to end up in and as a reasonably intelligent adult, may I say, I am finding it difficult and stressful to navigate. As a result, of that and the battle I now have to get my youngest the help she needs with her MH, my anxiety has shot through the roof once again and I'm a bit of a blubbering mess (understatment of the year).

Into Battle Once More

You may recall, I was a tad annoyed the other week when I received a written copy of my Mental Health assessment. It 's fair to say, it was absolutely appalling and I was left absolutely fuming and with little faith left in those who are supposed to care and help. If you missed that post, you can catch up with it here. I've not put that complaint in yet, but I am going to the hospital next week so will hand it in when I do.

However, today I find myself once again, channelling my inner Katniss Everdeen and entering the arena. The difference this time is I am also wearing my mumma bear hat, so I suggest anyone getting in my way, jolly well move themselves pretty darned quickly. This girl is well and truly on the warpath.

Celebrating Wednesday's #36

Hello everyone and welcome to the middle of February. Yes, I am fully aware of the date and, if you don't mind, I am going to ignore the obvious celebration and sit on my shelf with a cuppa. You see as well as it being 'that day,' it is also:

• Ferris Wheel Day
• Donor Day
• Cream Filled Chocolates Day
• Pet Theft Awareness Day

Personally, I think two of those are far more important than the very commercialised day everyone else is spending money on. That said, I would suggest not letting it slide if you have an other half who is a little sensitive about it, trust me, that's a can of worms you really don't want to open!

However, the day I have chosen for us to celebrate is one which kind of links back nicely to a post I wrote last week, Something for Tomorrow to encourage you all to take part in, Send a Card to a Friend Day.

Losing Faith

It's fair to say, I've been through the mill, as the saying goes, over the last few months. I've reached depths I never thought I would or, indeed, could. I've discovered that I am a natural born fighter; that even when I've wanted to give up, throw the towel in and just end it all, I wouldn't allow myself to, at least not all the time I still had some fight left. If I weren't such a fighter, I guarantee, I would not be here now. Thankfully, I'm a stubborn cow, so you're stuck with me. Sadly for you, I will fight against anything which I feel is wrong, unhelpful or unfair.

Dragonfly

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may know I rather like dragonflies. Indeed, I have a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist, it's body is a semi colon, in honour of Project;. When I had my tattoo done, I had already suffered two 'episodes,' but never did I think that I would have one that would push me to want to end my own life.

When I was taking the full dose of my prescribed medication, I was literally bombarded by suicidal thoughts, every single minute of every single day. It was a terrifying experience. It was a lonely experience. I felt absolutely hopeless, and my much loved semi colon dragonfly became a huge irony to me. There I was wanting to die whilst carrying a symbol of hope on myself. At times, it felt as though my body were mocking me. Now I see that it was, in fact, my insane self mocking my sane self.

Stronger

Well for someone whom had a completely empty diary a month ago, I'm doing quite well now. It's exactly one month today that I went for my assessment at The Maytree. I couldn't even have imagined what a huge turning point in my life it would be, but it became a lifeline which has, in turn, put me on a brand new path (complete with shiny new sign posts). That's not to say all the problems have gone away, I still have some pretty huge ones, but all I can do is reach out to professionals and hope they can help find a solution.

This is Me!

Well I am going to own up now and say that this post is a wee bit of a cheat. You see, so much has happened and if I start typing it all out, well will likely still be here a month from now. Instead what I've done is a wee short video for you and I have no flipping idea if it's going to work or not, but hey let's just go for it anyway. What's the worst that can happen?

A Safe Place

It's no secret that I have been really struggling for the past few months. At the beginning, I tried reaching out to people, but when it didn't work the inevitable happened and I was caught in a downward spiral, not stopping until I hit rock bottom. Let me tell you, rock bottom is not a place you want to be. If you're unfortunate enough to have visited, you will know the emotional and physical pain that accompanies this hideous destination.

Being my own worst enemy, I then proceeded to beat myself up because I wasn't able to get myself better. I knew exactly what I should do, but the irrational side of me was shouting down my rational self. I felt weak, and thanks to my anxiety isolated, lost, alone and rejected by everyone. I felt that I wasn't worthy of being loved, I wasn't worthy to even breathe the air everyone else shares and really not worthy of living.

Someone to Talk To

For some reason, Friday's are always a very difficult day of the week for me. The worst day of the week in fact. I know, it's crazy, for everyone else it's generally the best day. Not so for me. Friday's are mostly spent in a constant state of tearfulness (again, I do believe I have created a new word).

By the time dinner came round this Friday, I didn't have the energy to cook, so Mr. Domino's did it for us and I began to feel just a little bit calmer, and really quite optimistic. Who can possible be sad over pizza, especially when there's no cooking to do! Well apparently, that would be myself. Oh my goodness, what an absolute bloody loser, honestly, I am, I know it, please do not try to humour me by saying otherwise.

Stop Before You Knock

Please, please people, would you stop and think before you act. Would you stop and think, is this really a major issue, that I need to address, or could I just deal with it in a quieter way. And, if you do decide to make a big deal of something, would you please at least stop and listen.

This afternoon, Miss. L took the dog out for me. She's been doing so for the past couple of months. She's being doing so, because my anxiety won't let me get to the top of the road before it kicks in and sends me racing back to the safety of my home. I cannot walk the dog.

What Happening?

Hmmm, I is spending a huge amount of time curled up on the sofa at the moment and I not sure why. Usually, my mummy take me out lots. Sometimes, her take me out too much and I really not want to go. Me has done moaning before when her take me out one too many times. Little Orange me walked very slowly and made quite clear me not a happy little boy.

I not know what happened. Me think that the mummy is not the real mummy. I not know who this mummy is, but something just not right at all. Her look like my mummy and her smell like my mummy. I done lots of sniffing of her because me not convinced this is my mummy, but her must be because she smell like mummy. Her not mummy though.

Her still feed me and give me water. Sometimes, her still brush me. Miss. L brushes me most of the time, she seems to enjoy it...I don't, I like to look like a scruffy boy. Mummy not take me for a walk for long time though. Her did take me, but when we got back she made funny noise and her eyes leaked.

Sometimes her play fetch with me, but not very often. She smell like my mummy, but I so sad because mummy isn't the same mummy and me miss her lots.

This mummy, not go out. Her stay indoors and do the funny noise, leaky eye thing lots and lots. Me sit on her feet and try to be the bestest boy in the whole widest world. Mummy loves it when me keep her feet warm so her eyes shouldn't leak, but me doing something wrong because they do still do leaking. Me fidget about in case me not keeping all her feets warm, but it not stop. Her smell like mummy, but it can't be.

Miss. L takes me for my walks. We have fun together. Me love both my girls so much, but me wish mummy would take me out too. My girls are the bestest. Them tell me mummy love me, but her not feel well at the moment. Maybe that why other mummy here. Me think real mummy is on a holiday somewhere getting mended. Me hope so.

Depression - My View

We're all different and we all view things differently. This is no less true of our individual experiences of depression and other mental health issues. There will be similar themes that run through our journeys, but none will be exactly the same. This is how I view depression, and how I try and explain it to people, or one of the ways.

As we all know by now, I live with depression. I was first diagnosed eight years ago and received some amazing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) back then. Together with my medication, it has helped me to deal with the condition and to manage any episodes that I've had since my first diagnosis. That is until now. Now I have had my meds increased and am waiting for a fresh round of CBT. In my post Hippo Tours, I reflected on my depression and shared ways in which I was trying to manage it, or rather be distracted from it.

A Letter To My Girls

To My Wonderful Daughters,

You are both amazing, beautiful, intelligent and funny. I am so very, very proud of you. Every time I think I've worked you out, you do something else that surprises me; usually in a good way.

You are both growing up now, you no longer need me as much as you used to. You go out with your own friends and do things you want to do. You are discovering who you are and where you belong in this World. You're working hard at school and achieving so much more than I ever did, you clever things. Who would have thought I could produce two girls who are such good mathematicians! I struggled so much in that subject, but you both seem to find it easy. Did I mention, how very proud I am of you both.

You are kind girls. You think of others and you're not afraid to stand up for people you see being bullied. You're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Don't lose that. It will stand you in good stead. You will do good things that will help change lives with your kindness, compassion and dislike for injustice, but be prepared, it will also land you in hot water from time to time. Don't worry. If it is something you truly believe in and believe it is worth fighting for keep going. People will always get upset if you show them something isn't right. I will be proud of you.

Follow your heart and dream big. You can do whatever you want to do. Only you stand in your way. Never walk on anyone to get where you want to go though, and never be walked on (I know you won't, you're too strong and stubborn for that). Be kind always, and work hard. The people who take short cuts to get what they want, are the ones who won't appreciate what they have, and won't work to keep it. Never give up. I will be proud of you.

I cannot tell you how in awe of you I am. I know that life at home is not easy for either of you at the moment. When I was your ages, I could not have coped with all you are dealing with now. I have always been very open with you about my illness. You know that I live with depression, and you have seen me suffer with it over the years. This time, I know that I am much worse than I have ever been. I try not to cry in front of you, but I have failed so much, and you have seen me sobbing my heart out uncontrollably. I apologise, and you both tell me it's OK, you know it's not my fault, you know I am not well. It fills me with pride and it hurts me too that you have to be so strong and understanding. I am so proud of you.

Miss. L, thank you for the endless cups of tea you provide. Thank you for walking our Little Orange Doggy because I cannot (I secretly think he prefers walks with you). Thank you for helping me to collect the shopping, cook dinners and with jobs around the house. You are awesome!

Miss. D thank you for being a fabulous big sister, I know you are always looking out for your little sister, especially at the moment. Thank you for understanding how difficult anxiety makes it for me to go out and do 'normal' things. Thank you for speaking to your teacher about your concerns over parents evening. You are such a thoughtful awesome girl!

I know that I am not myself. I know that your normal happy, laid back, crazy, fun mum isn't around. I know I am just an empty shell of myself at the moment, and I cannot begin to understand how difficult it must be for you both. Please know, I am trying so hard. Every day I try, because I love you both so much. I know that you worry about me and I know that it is affecting you so much more than you will ever let on to me. Talk to your Dad, talk to your teachers and your friends. Please, do not keep how you feel locked inside.

Talk to each other. Remember that whatever life brings, you will always have your sister. You may not always like each other, but I know that you love one another very much, even when you won't admit it to me or your sister.

You are amazing girls. I love you so much and I am so very proud of you.

With all my love,

Mum xxx

Hippo Tours

So perhaps the title is just a little misleading? Many, very sincere apologies if you are expecting to read a piece about hippo spotting in Africa, but please, bear with, because it will hopefully all become clear as we go along (don't hold me to that though).

If you read my last post Moving Forward, you'll know that although it's taken me a while, I have finally given in and accepted that I really need help to fix myself this time. Depression is an absolute beast to live with, you never know when it might creep up on you and it really did creep up this time, and it's made a bloody huge mess.

Looking back over the past few months, I can actually see it creeping in. Little things were constantly playing on my mind. Things which should not have been an issue, but were. The absence of friends bothered me for a long time. It shouldn't have. I should just have let go then. Inconsistency in my working life. It's part of my job, normally it wouldn't worry me because I plan for it, but that was creeping in and becoming an issue too. It really is a sneaky little sod the way it creeps up so quietly before going in for the final kill.

Today I went to see my GP. I've seen her recently and we had a chat about how I was feeling. Today, we had a more serious chat and I admitted to her that I am really struggling. It's difficult trying to put yourself back together with just a handful of people to support you. Sometimes, you need a bit more help from the right people.

Working from home as I do is isolating anyway, but right now, it feels like a prison. I struggle to go out on my own. It just causes anxiety. That drives me absolutely nuts because I know what it is and I know I should be able to control it, but I can't, which probably makes it worse, to be fair. There is no probably about it, it does make it worse. Then when I am at home, I think too much about anything and everything. I can't switch my mind off and I have few distractions.

So, I have made a huge effort to keep myself distracted and to use my time for self development. I figure that by doing as many online courses as I possibly can, I'm keeping my mind occupied and learning new skills which I can use in my blogging, and hopefully in future work. It has helped, it keeps me more or less distracted and I am learning a lot. I should really give myself a pat on the back for that. I won't of course, but I should.

Thankfully, for those times when my mind is going ten to the dozen,  Martyn is always on the other end of the phone and it was during one of my 'help me' conversations that Hippo Tours came about.

Martyn, or SAF (Super Annoying Friend) as I like to call him, is one of the few people who actually 'gets' me. He knows when to let me sob my heart out, rant, or just be plain stupid. He will never, ever offer an ounce of sympathy, you don't get a 'there, there, it will all be alright.' What you get is the brutal, honest truth and being called a d*#k, and quite frankly, that works for me. He also knows exactly when to use humour with me.

Hence, this week when I suggested I took up something safe such as shark diving, lion taming or hippo wrangling (I can't recall why I suggested it), I forgot all about being sad for a few minutes and instead was laughing and formulating a crazy plan with Mr. K to launch Hippo Tours, the only tour in the world where you get to ride your very own hippo.

It's a crazy stupid fantasy, borne out of two frankly, rather disturbed minds, but whilst I am waiting for my counselling to be scheduled and to just start feeling vaguely normal again, I'm going to cling to Hippo Tours because it genuinely makes me smile to think of hippos waddling around with saddles on their backs. Who knows, it might turn in to a thing all of it's own. Now I wonder if there's an online course on hippo psychology that I can complete.

Moving Forward

I'm sat in front of this blank screen knowing I need to write something, but not knowing how to. Little Orange Dog has always been intended to be a creative outlet and a therapeutic tool for me, but I never wanted the therapy side of it to take over. That's not how it is at the moment though and honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to get it back on track anytime soon. Each time I genuinely feel I've turned a corner and am on a clear path, a huge wall looms up ahead. If you read my post My Week on Beta Blockers, you'll know that I have already sought help, and so I was hoping things would get better, but it is just relentless.

I beat myself up over it regularly because I know I have all the tools and skills to deal with this situation, and yet I keep getting knocked back. I think, perhaps, I mean it's ever so slightly possible, that I am being too hard on myself and expecting too much of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I don't have time not to be OK and I don't like not being OK. Quite frankly, it sucks and I just want to get out of it. Being kind to myself is not a natural thing at all. I am my harshest critic and I expect way more of myself than I do anyone else.

My Week on Beta Blockers

Last week, the stress was just too much and my poor resting heart rate was going absolutely nuts; not quite so nuts as it did after having Miss. L, but nuts enough to frighten the living daylights out of me. No one wants a racing heart when the most exertion they've had is drinking a cup of tea.

I'm not a big fan of visiting the Doctor's surgery and, truth be told, I would rather take a chance than willingly go and get checked out, but given it was my heart rate that was causing concern, I relented and got an emergency appointment. Sadly, it was with the duty doctor who doesn't have the benefit of knowing me, but she was very nice and listened.