Tuesday 21 November 2017

Depression - My View


We're all different and we all view things differently. This is no less true of our individual experiences of depression and other mental health issues. There will be similar themes that run through our journeys, but none will be exactly the same. This is how I view depression, and how I try and explain it to people, or one of the ways.

As we all know by now, I live with depression. I was first diagnosed eight years ago and received some amazing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) back then. Together with my medication, it has helped me to deal with the condition and to manage any episodes that I've had since my first diagnosis. That is until now. Now I have had my meds increased and am waiting for a fresh round of CBT. In my post Hippo Tours, I reflected on my depression and shared ways in which I was trying to manage it, or rather be distracted from it.

I know I will get better, but I also know that I will never be cured. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, that's how it is. If I were epileptic, diabetic or asthmatic you would accept that I had a lifelong condition which would require medical intervention from time to time. You would accept that it affects my quality of life from time to time. You would support me fully when I was ill. You can't see the chemical imbalance in my brain. You tell me to think positive and change my mindset. Don't you think that's what I try to do? I, like the epileptic, the diabetic the asthmatic will not be cured of my illness, I will have to manage it with a combination of medication and therapy.


Am I OK with that? No. No I'm not. I don't want this. You see the problem with depression is, you never know when it might creep up on you and the more episodes I deal with the more I can cope with. I don't notice the first signs until it's too late.

I think of depression as a monster. When all is well, it is small and weak and kind of like a troublesome pet. You know what it's capable of, but you think you can control it.


But, as time goes on, there may be a little upset here, or something will go a bit pear shaped there, and that cute baby monster feeds on it and grows. This is where the danger lies. You need to catch it whilst it's feeding and take the issue away. You need to keep that monster little and manageable. This is what I am particularly rubbish at. I am forever putting others first and as a result, I don't notice what is going on with me. My monster grows, drawing on all my energy, isolating me from everyone I know and love. Very few people will stand by me during this because they don't understand what has happened to the normal, happy, laid back me; how can they when the first I know about it is the weight of the monster bearing down on me and eclipsing everything.


It feels to me as though I am quite literally sat alone in the shadow of a beast, hell bent on controlling me, by telling me I'm rubbish, I'm undeserving, no one wants me, anything that it can use to make me feel crap. I know what it's telling me is all lies, but it knows which buttons to push. Every day is another fight. I literally battle through each and every day, just to survive and it is exhausting. Thankfully, there are professionals out there who are able to help and this episode, like previous ones will come to an end.

What scares me, is knowing that I have to spend the rest of my life carrying this monster about with me and trying to control it. Trying to stop it from feeding and growing out of control again. Maybe it sounds extreme, to say that it scares me, but it does. Every time it happens someone else leaves me, unable to cope, at a time when I need their support the most. At a time when I need someone to hold me tight, tell me they love me and help me to fight the monster, because it's tough doing it alone and sometimes, yes I do want to give up, I get that tired.

This is my experience. This is the best way I know to try and explain it to those of you lucky enough not to understand. For those of you who do understand, you're not alone. You probably feel you are, I do, but we're not.


Reflectionsfromme

18 comments:

  1. Depression is grey, it's like those colourless days where nothing happens,people around you are having fun and you can't feel it, it's like everything happens slower and you can't find any energy, like swimming through jelly (although swimming through jelly sounds like more fun). I was diagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago and I live in the knowledge that as I age it's going to get worse. Things are changing in other peoples understanding though, I had to take a day off work and my clients were awesome, they understood. and that's why we must continue to be honest and write this stuff down because each time we do, our brave and corageous words help other people. Sending you a bag full of love today xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you lovely lady. I think I would like to try and swim through jelly, perhaps we should try it? You're right, it's important that we are open about it because too many people are still quite ignorant about it and end up making you feel worse. Lots of love to you too x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Lisa, I am so sorry that you have to live with this ugly monster. tThe world is a hard enough place to live withoit having to deal with depression too. The 'invisible' conditions are the worst, people don't see the autism my son has, they see a strange and awkward young man. Sharing your experience can help to raise awareness. It is a shame that your 'friends'pull back from you at this time, but I hope that Max offers some comfort. You take care and I hope you take control of the monster very soon.

    Thank you for linking up with the #MMBC.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many thanks Debbie. It's a real roller coaster ride at the moment, not helped by head overthinking and second guessing constantly. Hopefully the wait for CBT won't be too long.

      Delete
  4. I wrote a post very similar to this last week but didn't publish it. Such a horrible debilitating illness that people often mistake for self pity and think that a night out can cure it. Thankfully we can get help to control the monster at times, and knowing that you are not alone is helpful too. It is an illness and should always be treated like one. I really hope you are feeling better soon. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Anne, I'm sorry you suffer as well. I get so sick of being told to think positive, or get out and see people. If it were that easy, we'd all be cured. The worst part though is trying to convey to people that you literally have to fight to get through every hour of every day and how draining that is. Publish your post Anne, please x

      Delete
  5. My heart goes out to you..I know it is not easy to live with depression. How isolating it is I can understand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Balaka. I think a lot of people do understand, but people who have never suffered, really do struggle. We have to keep being honest to get the message out there that we are ill, we're not just attention seeking or feeling sorry for ourselves, we have a medical condition x

      Delete
  6. I do undestand, I understand all too well, your description of the monster is a very good one. I know it is exhausting and that you are so tired, but never give up my lovely new friend, days will get brighter, yes we will have bad, hard times, but our days will get brighter. Keep fighting xx Email me anytime you need a friend to listen #mg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Mackenzie. My counselling starts Wednesday, so hopefully things will begin to improve soonish x

      Delete
  7. Hi Lisa, I had a pretty serious bout with the big "d" monster in my early 30's. Seemed unending and unrelenting in it's harm and magnitude. After therapy and meds (which I still take to help with both chronic pain and depression) life is much better. I had a whole lotta lifestyle changing to do to clean up my depression. It was hard, damned hard and I times I realy wanted to check out. Call it a day... I am here as proof that it gets better. I am sending gentle hugs and healing light. That little orange dog does this naturally. We people need to learn it! xoxo #mg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep I hear you. This is my third 'official' episode and have been on meds since diagnosis, I will remain on them forever I am sure. I don't mind that though, so long as I feel better. Will let you know how counselling goes when it starts soon x

      Delete
  8. I have been in recovery from PTSD for the past 5 years and depression is a symptom of it. I do occasionally get depressed and some triggers left over from my own illness pop up every now and then. I have an excellent therapist who has helped me with most of it. I am more or less better but I still get depressed every now and then. It is a monster that doesn't go away completely. I see mine as my own inner demons that sit just below the surface waiting to creep up at any moment. I think knowing that you aren't alone is half the battle. Keep plugging away and keep fighting:) #mg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Michelle. It's good to know we all have each other. Those monsters never do go, but we learn to live with them and manage them. Sending you hugs x

      Delete
  9. I personally am not a sufferer of depression - but I have many friends and family members who are and it is SO hard. Sending positive vibes your way, Sarah #mg

    ReplyDelete
  10. Many thanks Sarah. It's good to know that some people who don't suffer do understand x

    ReplyDelete
  11. The black dog can come up behind you at a moment's notice can't it? It's a strangely friendly dog though and lures you; I find that in any case. I can recognise my triggers and generally deal with that but I'm never blase and know that I can easily be plunged into that dark hole again. I do hope your counselling goes well. #mg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Carol. I am normally very good at recognising my triggers too, but not so this time; though to be honest I think there were just too many and that's been the problem. Will keep you all updated with the counselling x

      Delete