Thursday 11 May 2017

Why I Struggle With Faith



Years ago, I could never have envisioned sitting down and writing a post like this and the reason I am writing it now, is people have asked me about my faith (or not, as the case may be). Turn the clock back and I was totally committed and involved in my church. I read my Bible daily and used Bible Study notes. I only listened to Christian worship music and I only socialised with people from church (because that's really healthy - not). I had no doubts, I had no questions. This was my life and this was my supportive church family, people who would always be there for me.
So what happened? Me! That's what happened, I broke, I made mistakes, I broke some more and I couldn't cope with life. I was desperately unhappy and incredibly lonely. I was diagnosed as suffering from mild to moderate depression and underwent CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Anybody in the same boat, if you are offered CBT, I highly recommend it. It helped me to recognise my triggers and to manage them. One of my triggers was busy places and this included church, which explained why mid service, every week, I would have a panic attack and have to literally run out of the building (in tears); it was not, as one rather helpful member of the church family told me, to get attention - when you are depressed the last thing you want is to be made the focus of everyone's attention.

Of course, the church family rallied around to support me...did they heck? One or two lovely people did, but the rest, the people I'd called friends just dropped me like a stone. Suddenly, the invites out were gone and that included my children (both of whom have now decided they have no faith). I realise that my behaviour at the time was erratic and not my normal, but these are the people I had expected to at least try to understand. After all it's all about supporting one another on our spiritual journey.

Now, I realise that this should not have damaged my faith, after all this wasn't God, this was people and hey, we all mess up and get things wrong, but it did have an effect, rightly or wrongly. It hurt more than I can say, it made me lose faith in people and left me trusting only a handful of friends. Amazingly, I still continued to attend church, though I 'felt' like an outcast (I accept that I may not have been, but it is how I felt) with few people who would speak to me, but it wasn't the same and eventually I gave up.

Fast forward to today and I'll admit, I am still struggling. I love the little church I now attend. The people are genuinely friendly, there are no airs and graces, what you see is what you get with folk and each and every person is valued and loved; and yet, I still struggle.

I struggle with how judgemental some can be, whilst totally ignoring their own faults. I struggle with how certain behaviours are accepted of some, but not others. I struggle with the belief that homosexuality can be healed; I genuinely feel insulted on behalf of my gay friends when I hear this. I struggle with people choosing to live together, but not marry, being coerced into marriage because it's the right thing to do. I struggle with churches setting up community projects of their own when such a project already exists and they could have just supported it and made it stronger. I struggle with so much.

So I guess the big question is, 'Do you call yourself a Christian?' and the answer is, I don't know. What I do know is this, I am a strong, independent individual. I am confident in who I am. I know what I want to do and how I want to achieve. I live life in the here and now and I live it to the full, grabbing opportunities with both hands. Above all, I refuse to be someone I'm not just to please other people. So yes, I struggle with faith, but I'm still me and I'm happy with the me I am.


Twin Mummy and Daddy

12 comments:

  1. You know my situation and where it's been and how similar we are in that context. I'm sure that's why we're friends....or it might be our childish ways lol but you know I'm in exactly the same place. I have faith. I call myself a Christian. But I'm not religious and the people with religion make me struggle with my faith. I want to avoid the religious, judgemental and in my opinion superficial people. I think you and I do more as an example of Christians than the stereotypes that we're aware of. We're rubbish at times but human and relatable but also true,honest, loyal and supportive and in that sense we're far better.
    Proud of you as always.

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    1. Proud of you too Mr. K and really proud to be able to call you my friend :-)

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  2. I've had the same kind of issues all through my life and I've settled with "I'm a bit spiritual" I'm a little buddhist, I'm a little Christian, I believe in God, I quite like church every now and then, I use the laws of attraction but I don't conform and I live by my own morals and standards, at the end of the day, my God is perfectly alright with all of this because he/she doesn't judge and just wants the world to be happy and peaceful, do what you need to do to be happy, whatever that is. Big loves xxx

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    1. You're spot on there, Mandy. I think the blog has really helped build my confidence in my own abilities and working out who I really am. I'm certainly never going back to being someone I'm not just to conform and please others. Love you xxx

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  3. I'm a Christian, but I don't go to Church or pretend to be perfect. I can't stand the hypocrisy that is rampant throughout the happy clapping church lot. Live your life, pray, have morals and do the right thing. Don't preach to me and then go home and beat your wife ... that's NOT a Christian. Great post. Glad you're okay now.
    #thatfridaylinky

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    1. I agree with you completely and having written this post am finding so many other people who feel the same way about church, or rather, church people. Thanks for the comment and the share, oh and loving your blog xx

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  4. I was raised as an atheist so for me it's never been something I've believed in. My children are learning about different religions at school and I'll let them make their own minds up. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

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    1. Yep I have also let my kids make up their own minds, I think that's really important x

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  5. This is really intersting I was raised a catholic but I'm not a atheist my kids can decide when they want but for all of that each to there own personally I believe in evolution just seems logical to me got a post next week all about god and my children very good read Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

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    1. Ah thanks Nige, it's always fun linking up with yourself and Emily.

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  6. I think that it is possible to be a spiritual person, aware of a higher power and trying to do your best to live a life they would approve of, without committing yourself to a specific set of tenets that a group of people decided upon a thousand years ago. I wish you peace, regardless of where you find it #thatfridaylinky

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    1. Many thanks Jeremy, that is such a lovely and thoughtful comment, which I agree with whole heartedly x

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